sunday

1. If there’s more than four cars behind you, move to the right lane.
2. Do not, under any circumstance, drive slower than 70 the speed limit + 15 MPH in the very left lane.
3. Don’t drive with your brakes. That’s what the gas pedal is for.
4. Don’t brake like there’s a car in front of you, where in reality there’s 150 feet of empty space.
5. Use your turn signals when switching lanes or (duh) turning!
6. If there’s only two lanes on the highway, don’t drive in the left lane going only 2 MPH faster than the car in the right lane. In fact, refer to Rule #2.
7. No rubbernecking! Especially if the accident is on the other side of the road.
8. If you’re getting passed by those in the lane to your right, you should move to the right lane.
9. Tailing the car in front of you when there’s 10 other cars in front of him doesn’t accomplish anything; try traffic weaving or not getting your panties in a bunch instead.
10. Don’t move into the left lane and keep driving the same speed you were before… keep up with the traffic flow!
11. It’s as easy as this–left lane: 70+ MPH; middle lane: 60+ MPH; right lane: 50+ MPH. If you’re driving slower than 50 MPH, then take local roads, because you shouldn’t be on the road at all!

I’ve got two friends running in the AIDS Marathon and Relay For Life. I’ve already made my contribution to each, and if you’ve got a couple of dollars to spare this month, you should too! Follow the links below to help a couple of good causes.

Mark Vyvoda’s AIDS Marathon Page

Kyle Schroeder’s Relay For Life Page

Just a warning, but this is going to be a loooooong post. I’ve been putting off blogging for a while (no particular reason, just didn’t get around to it) that I even made a list should I ever finally find the time to sit down and write a semi-thoughtful post. So on the agenda today:

• Friday Funnies
• Living alone
• Rules of the road
• Portfolio

Friday Funnies

Once again, got this from my coworker…

Wal-Mart Husband

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists that her husband go with her to Wal-Mart, but he gets bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse.

Here’s a letter sent to Mrs. Fenton:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may have to ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. The complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Fenton has don while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3 in Housewares!” and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a “CAUTION — WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’d bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he began to cry and ask, “Why can’t you pepole just leave me alone?”
9. October 4: looked right into the security camera, used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knew where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously and loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
12. December 6: Int the auto department, practiced his “Madonna look” using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!”

And last, but not least, …

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, “There’s no toilet paper in here!”

Regards,

Wal-Mart Management

Living Alone

Yeah it’s my first time living alone, and I’m sure I had some huge underlying message that I wanted to get out about it, but I forgot what that theme was.

Rules of the Road

This one is still a work in progress. I’m going to make a list of 10 things that completely fucking irritate me about people driving, and I’m going to set some rules for them to follow, because they’re pissing me off. More to come in a later post.

Portfolio Update

I finally found something that I liked for my “portfolio” section. It used to link to my photos page in Zooomr, but I wanted something more personalized and attached to my blog. I came across a cool interface built by … ack, I neither have the site or the author’s name handy right now, and I’m too lazy to look it up. But it’s called Lightbox, and if you go to my links page and look under “In this blog,” you’ll find a link to Lightbox. I’ll still have most/all my pictures stored on Zooomr and Facebook, but I’ll post good pictures, or pictures that I really like, on my blog.

Why do they call me princess??

I was at McDonald’s for lunch with some coworkers when the subject of grad school came up. I should probably give some background and say that most if not all of the people I work with have a masters, and when I told Tim and Liz that I didn’t want a master’s, Liz got into a huff about it. I don’t see what the big deal is, I mean, I gave it my five weeks and decided it wasn’t for me. But I did some more thinking as to why I didn’t continue my master’s. My conclusion is that, aside from the 3-hour classes twice a week from 7-10pm, I was completely unmotivated. I didn’t know anyone in my class, not that it should be a factor, but it was. And the last straw that broke my back? It was when my prof told us that we couldn’t have a cheat sheet for our midterm and finals. No cheat sheet? Fuck that. I know, it makes me look like a pansy. But I’ve been spoiled by my small undergraduate, private engineering college where professors hold your hand through classes and you get open book tests. No cheat sheet? Not even one page? I was discouraged, and called it a quarter.

And that’s why they call me princess (among other reasons which we won’t get into right now).

it’s weird, now that the apartment is silent. it’s weird how the apartment seems colder than usual, and it’s weird how much more room i’ve gained. but it’s moving on.

I had a little scare last night. I was fucking around with my blog when I screwed something up and the little “pull” tab at the top didn’t pull down anymore. I was editing my .js and header.php files and must’ve overwritten something with another. Anyways, got that fixed before I went to bed last night.

But I am ready for an update. Not a major one, but for a while I’ve been looking for something that would incorporate my own little photo album, and I’ve finally found something that I like and is EASY to install. Well, obviously not that easy, seeing as I tried to install it last night and fucked something up. But I will be attempting again shortly after I post this blog.

And now I’m going to post this blog.

20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

I got this from a coworker who thought I needed some cheering up. And I did.

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “In”.
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write “For smuggling diamonds.”
7. Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the prophecy.”
8. Don t sue any punctuation
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
14. Put a mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream “I Won! I Won!”
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for your lives, they’re loose!!”
19. Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity…send this email to someone to make them smile. It’s called therapy!

Another one of my favorite Slowskys commercial. And guess what? they even have their own website: The Slowskys: a nullus volito.

“You come push it! Push it real good!”

I can’t stop laughing.

I think I’m a tomboy. On one hand, that is. All my friends are guys and I just hang around boys in general so much I usually end up just being “one of the guys.” Albeit in more recent years, I’ve started dressing a lot better than them, which has caused a little more distinction than before. On the other hand, I’m a complete and utter hopeless romantic–sweep me off my feet as though you were my prince charming, woo me as if I were your one true love. I don’t just want roses on Valentine’s or dinners on anniversaries. I want to stand nose-to-nose in each other’s arms, I want to have long gazes into each other’s eyes, and I want have that feeling like I’m falling in love with a summer crush. Is that a lot to ask for?

Boys–I mean, men, take notes. Because I’m sure every girl at one point or another wants this in her love life.

On a completely different and random note, those spammers filling my spam comments are getting pretty sneaky. They’re including jokes before the links for some viagra or cialis. But I have to admit, it does make my spam comments more interesting to read, and some of the jokes are funny in a cheesy way.